


Refining

by piperholmes



Category: Law & Order: SVU
Genre: At Midnight in Manhattan, F/M, Rollisi, Unresolved Feelings, episode add on, they talk about stuff
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-25
Updated: 2019-10-25
Packaged: 2021-01-03 08:34:25
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,516
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21176483
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/piperholmes/pseuds/piperholmes
Summary: And episode add on to At Midnight in Manhattan. Just one imagined version of the conversation shared after Carisi and Rollins’ argument. Following Amanda’s offer to walk him out.





	Refining

**Author's Note:**

> I don’t know if this is any good. But I had to write something! Hopefully we get a deleted scene *fingers-crossed* but I’m grateful for what we got!

Amanda knew exhaustion. She had a toddler and an infant at home. Exhaustion had settled into her bones and lived in the corner of her eyes. 

But this?

This was something new.

It was exhaustion and something else. Something that ate away at her nerves.

She hated it. She hated to admit to it.

She was lonely...

No, it was more than that. She’d been lonely before.

This was worse, this was a little bit like heartbreak.

She cut her eyes to the tall man walking beside her. Neither had broached the silence between them, and she almost resented how easy it felt. Even with this tension between them, the quiet was easy.

She didn’t have a plan, just a half formed apology rolling around inside her head, and they’d made it to the elevator before she’d worked passed the embarrassment in her throat.

She was glad when they found the elevator empty. Now that the frustration and fear had eased, she could see all the faces and eyes that tracked their progress across the lobby. She felt her skin pink as she thought back to all she’d said.

All she’d admitted.

_I would be fine if you were right here beside me_

As the doors closed about them, she forced a deep breath.

“You don’t really gotta walk me out,” Carisi spoke, seeming to sense her hesitation.

She nearly pointed out the futility of that statement since she was already on the elevator, the soft hum beneath their feet as it descended, but thought better of it. She supposed she’d already offended him enough for one day.

“Carisi,” she started, wishing he would turn to look at her. Fearing he would.

“I’m, uh, sorry, you know, about earlier,” she stammered out, hating how she struggled to say it. She should just say it. Say it all.

“Are you?”

His sudden question surprised her, his blue eyes meeting hers as he turned to face her.

“What?”

“Are you sorry?”

“Of course I am,” she answered, her brows coming together, trying to figure out what he was implying.

His eyebrow went up slightly, his lips pursed as he shook his head before turning from her.

“Hey,” she said, feeling the heat of his judgement, his condemnation, his sadness. “What’s that supposed to mean?”

The elevator door opened as they arrived on the lower floor but neither made a move to get off. Carisi spun around once again, and she felt some of the tension snap.

“It means that what you said didn’t feel like some off the cuff, exhaustion fueled statement. It felt like somethin’ you’ve been holding onto, something you’ve been hiding from me. It felt like something you believe.”

She winced.

“Sonny, I—“

“And it feels really unfair Amanda.”

The doors to the elevator close and he reached out to punch the “open door” button, but she caught his hand in her own.

She wrapped her fingers around his palm, her heart pounding. She couldn’t look at him. She couldn’t see the anger and disappointment in his eyes.

“I know,” she said softly. She swallowed hard. “I—you’re right—not about me being sorry. I am. More than I know how to say. I was, am, happy for you. But I did keep...I did keep my feelings about you leaving hidden.”

She felt his shoulders drop and wondered if it was resignation or acceptance that he offered. 

“Why?”

She closed her eyes at the hurt in his voice. To her horror she felt her throat tighten and her eyes grow damp. His fingers wound around hers, a plea, a petition, a reminder. Such a small touch, but it drew her in, lulled her, calmed her.

She cleared her throat, forcing her eyes up, up to the fluorescent light, blinking away what threatened to fall.

“‘Manda,” he said simply, quietly.

She had thought these words before. In the dark, late at night, when sleep had played tricks with reality. But they were words she didn’t know she could bring into the light.

“Come on, you know me,” she started, ready to dismiss her feelings.

“Yes. I do know you,” he challenged, his voice taking on strength. “That’s why when this position opened up I came to you. I asked you. I asked you if I should do this. And you said yes.”

She pressed her lips together.

“Why did you say that? When I asked. Why did you say I should do it?” He gave her hand a tug, promoting her to finally look at him.

“Because,” she flailed, “because it was a good thing for you. You’d worked so hard to put yourself through law school. You deserved it. I couldn’t tell you not to take it.”

“Then what was all that about? What you said, what was that?”

“I don’t know,” she said defensively, her hand slipping away from his.

“No, you are not going to do this again. I am asking you, and I think you owe me an answer.”

“I miss you,” she said abruptly, folding her arms tightly against herself. “OK? I miss you. I know this is a good opportunity for you, and I know it’s what you deserve, but I miss you and I hate how that makes me feel. Because I know it’s selfish and I know it’s unfair.”

She felt a fresh wave of humiliation as her skin warmed and reddened. The elevator growing warm, the air metallic. She could only glance up at him, expecting the same shocked look as before.

“And you think I don’t miss you?”

His response brought her short, and fear kept her silent. She shrugged.

He blew out a frustrated breath. “Come on Rollins. Why do you think you were the first person I talked to about going to the D.A.’s office? Huh? Why do you think I turned down that position with the Bronk’s D.A.? Why do you think I stayed with SVU for so long? I could have gotten a job at a law firm, but I didn’t. I waited until a position opened here. Why? Why would I do that?”

Her lungs felt like they couldn’t take in enough air, her head buzzing. She hadn’t meant to feel so abandoned. She hadn’t meant to rely on him. She hadn’t meant to lo—

The doors of the elevator opened suddenly, a young officer stepping back to give them room to exit, waiting to board.

She blindly followed her old partner out into the main lobby, unsure what to do or say. It would all have been so much easier if he’d stayed. And she hated herself.

“Listen,” Carisi said, stopping to face her, the fight in him gone. “I think you know the answer to my questions. I think you’ve known for a while now. I thought I knew where you stood, and I accepted it, but now I don’t know. And maybe you don’t know either.”

She waited, wanting to stop him, to make him keep going. She wanted to shout some more, yell at him, anything to get rid of the heavy feeling in her stomach. But she just stared at him.

He gave her a sad smile. “It’s alright Rollins.”

He was going to walk away. He was going to walk away from her.

“For me,” she breathed. “You stayed for me.”

She could see the surprise in his eyes and knew her own mirrored his.

“Yeah,” he admitted softly. “For you.”

It was such a sudden, unexpected release that it took her a moment to recognize the feeling, to reconcile the realization that he hadn’t chosen to leave, but had found a way to stay. She’d not lost him. There was so much now to find and discover.

“I’m glad.”

There was a silent understanding, a mutual acceptance. Maybe it did make her selfish. Maybe it made him foolish. Maybe it was both and neither. They were too tired, too spread thin, too raw with still too much to get done.

A moment of stillness passed between them, echos of conversations to come, of promises and commitments, of forgiveness and hope. It suddenly didn’t matter what it was, she knew they had a chance to make it something new, something better.

“Good luck today in court, counselor,” she said finally, hoping he could feel the truth behind her words. “You’re going to do great.”

He tilted his head some, watching her in that hushed way that had always left her feeling unsure, unprepared, vulnerable. “Thanks. I’ll, uh, come by tonight, make some dinner.”

She shook her head. “Tomorrow night. And I’ll order something. We deserve a night off.”

He considered her offer, before throwing her a smirk. “Get some sleep detective. You look beat. I’ll see ya tomorrow.”

He gave her no chance to respond before turning to head to the courthouse, so he missed the scowl aimed at his back, though she suspected he knew exactly what was happening.

Because that’s how it was. They were partners.

And maybe it was time to redefine what that meant.

Thanks for reading!!


End file.
